The first signs of an apocalypse.

Much of history has been part of headlines, but the news has never been personal enough to bring a significant change to my life. But when there is a sign of change, you can feel it seeping right through your bones. You see it in the eyes of the people, because that is the only feature you notice in mask covered faces. You listen to the empty roads and the bird-less skies. The birds quarantined in their nests too, thinking that something has gone wrong in this world. I always fancied the ending of the world, reading about it, dreaming about it. I feel it would bring end to all causes of chaos in humanity. It would be beautiful. Maybe it is time, maybe it is not. But as I walked in the strange summer, I suppressed the devastating feeling of seeing life as it is come to a halt. Because of course, the end of the world has been a fiction, and anyone looking forward to it would be a lunatic.

It felt naturally abrupt for me, or any other person around me to accept a global pandemic as a serious situation because until today, it was the problem of this country, or that country. Until one day we were asked to no longer commute to the office to work. We were unwilling to settle for a fact that any news could be so impacting that it would make us struggle for something so quotidian, for example hailing a taxi, or gathering for some lunch, served by mindless waiters who are time and again disrespected for the imperfect dishes. Dishes that if we cook, we would throughly appreciate, post it on Instagram and equate ourselves to master chefs. That something so fundamental to our 21st century life as social service could be denied to us.

On one of the early days of this unbelievable quarantine, I walked out to buy groceries. As I fixed my mask, the eeriness in the air seeped in from its cavity and I could breathe it. I wished my mask protected me the way it was designed. Five months have passed from that feeling, and it feels as if the order of the world has been reset. If this is the start, or the end, I won’t be startled. I will let it change what I have been accustomed to, so far and allow something unpredictable to accompany it as well. This is the beauty of life, and that we don’t govern nature, but nature governs us. We had forgotten that.

People, stubborn to survive, as they are wired to be, have found new ways to get through and bring back the glory of capitalism in a matter of days, by online deliveries and contactless services. Which also means people get to spend more time with themselves, and their purchases. We just couldn’t channel our habits of purchasing somewhere else because they are so intricately developed. And we were thinking, we are far away for fascism. We cannot even choose to be with ourselves in isolation. It has to be with our beloved objects. I wish people I love showed up, instead of these Amazon cartons. Everything is ready, handed over to us before we find the chance to reflect.

In these hundred something days I watched a myriad of movies, wrote numerous to do lists just to scrap them, and cut my hair because I needed change. I wish I knew cutting my hair was only going to change how I looked, for the worse. The better part after my irregular bangs blended into the rest of my mane, as it they were asking for forgiveness. I forgive you. Now let me retire to bed and dream of the world crumbling down.


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